“I can see Your heart eight billion different ways” -so will I, hillsong worship
One epiphany today took place in the church pews. Gem was casually looking through my idea book and came across a particular entry from feb. The first line recorded: “I can see Your heart a billion different ways” Gem told me the lyric wasn’t ‘a billion’ but ‘eight billion different ways’ in reference to the current worldwide population (bc I rarely search up lyrics I initially assumed what I heard was the prior). I was so mesmerized by the clarification of the song’s message: every created being is an extension of the beating heart of Jesus (!) People look so beautiful and sacred in light of Truth. So as im writing this rn (I guess this is the sequel of this morning’s epiphany) im inspired to launch a new series on ig & my blog, celebrating one (a single individual) out of the eight billion different ways to see His heart. #1outof8billion#HisHeart
Pictures from a wholesome, tranquil friday evening a month back at life group dinner in cottiny (cute bucolic korean cafe nestled in our neighborhood)
when #yolo was introduced to the terrain of international media, i guess back in 2011 or 2012, i wasn’t much amused by its definition, contrary to the embracive response of my peers. i’ve always thought it was just another misemployed internet slang and a cheap excuse for irresponsible juvenile acts. it’s 2018. i don’t hear yolo slurred in common speech as often now but i think its pith and core is still very much pervasive in this modern age. i get told off here and then for thinking too much, for treading too cautiously when on gray area. my reply has always been pretty terse and head-on: “why shouldn’t i think? why shouldn’t i be careful?” my friends may have misconceived me every once in a while. sometimes i feel that they think my life is boring and im not living it up. but how can you judge the quality of another’s life based on a list of criterion tailored to your convictions and fancies? you hold your own definition of ‘fun’ and assume that standard subject to another individual. that’s unfair. to a certain extent, i do understand the convenient application of such motto. i think there’s some liberation in holding the mortality of human life liable for the marks we leave behind. i also get that excessive rumination can inhibit visible outward progress. however, i refuse to believe that’s reason enough to toss your thinking away completely. i don’t want to be irresponsible for my decisions. i want to allocate some time for evaluation and if needed, revaluation. just a place to weigh out potential opportunity costs and confute the recklessness of hastily debuted, underdeveloped ideas and seek Greater guidance. every now and then i have to confront the organic truth that i am a child. and a child is in need of guidance. hear me speak funny
stretching is such a great sensation, especially when accompanied by a full, sleep-deserved yawn, the ones in which you get a little teary eyed after–byproduct of a productive day. or what i reckon is productive.
im lately quite intrigued by the binary of my emotional and mental processes. there’s this part that provides me common ground with the vast masses of human beings in my peer group or any group that shares a particular trait or interest with me. and there’s also this part that is extremely niche that i often contemplate the validity of denoting that certain jagged strip of my emotional garb, in my platforms. because it does make you feel lame or some weird level of misplaced when you’re not receiving that ricochet of #metoo. it makes me feel like the fringe. the fringe of pop culture or societal relevance. this judgement hampers me from putting my mind out on a place people can freely see. but im also beginning to realize that every person is not exempted from some degree of obscurity and that we all doubt notions in our head.
it’s been a bit more than a year since i created this virtual space for my juvenile introspection. im still figuring out that sweet spot between being honest and vulnerable about my sentiments and oversharing (not for anyone’s good i learned). i’ve not been writing a lot on paper other than for academic purposes and schedule planning. i miss doing that a lot but also a blank page feels almost queer as an abode for my thoughts. im trying to get many pieces of my life back on track this past few months. some days being real feels so far away.
I try to remind you as often as i can, before i switch off the lights at night, that i love you, that i am proud of who you are, and that I pray for you because I know I don’t always do my best at contributing to your journey. I know i don’t always do a good job in living the Light and there may be a few loopholes in my lifestyle that may add to your cynicism about my convictions and our identity as a family. But everyday i pray that God will teach me to love you and to help create the best environment i can for the optimum growth of your soul. I truly want to be the best sister I can be for you and dajie. I am still learning how. I am sorry for all the times I had hurt you, for the disappointments I’ve caused, for the times I had not been genuine with you, and for not always being the best example. I am still learning how. I pray that you will be truly successful in all your pursuits and desires that are in consonance with the Father’s good plan and live the abundant life of John 10:10.
Being an adolescent is quite the uncanny dynamic. 13 will feel exciting and then perhaps a tinge of weird although it can’t top 14. That will be a ridiculous gush of experience and sentiments at an unprecedented scale. Then 15 will be good. Hard. Even harder but good. Because when you’ve got your lenses focused at the right subject everything gets better. Difficult times will be not be a bag of your own. It is also the family’s. It is also God’s. You will experience Him and come to see the best love there is.
You are a beautiful girl. You are talented (everytime you play the river flows in you and fifth avenue you make my stiff body want to dance), dedicated (you tell mummy and daddy you want to learn something and you give your fullest heart in doing it), consistent (a virtue i need to learn from you), and loving to the people around you. The whole family loves you and is so grateful that you are part of us.
I will cook tteokbokki and fried tofu for you and give you back massages and listen to your animal rescue stories as much as I can while we are still living underneath the same roof.
Worship is a continuous stirring of the heart; atmosphere for growth in everlasting love. The more I sit with hushed streaming thoughts, face stretched towards rolls of pastel skies and song pending in heart, all scattered components in my life are aligned and ground is definite. So definite. Every doubt and airless question revoked. Wednesday morning it dawned upon me after all these conversations with jeanelle that more so from the inclination of separating Jesus from my ideals on romantic relationship and its pursuit and hiding away His movement in my life from my future partner, I want us to worship Jesus together.