something i wrote at 2 am last night on ig:
i cried bc i thought i’d loss everything that made me beautiful.
it’s inevitable, as children, that we make some stupid and not too stupid choices, be it in fashion or beauty or lingo or even trivial things such as filters and captions on your internet posts, that might border the gates of what trends of this era reckon cool or not cool. and i conjecture, to a decent degree, everybody wants to be on the cool side of the gate. but bc cool is sooooo subjective, we’re constantly on the look out for epitomes to gratify our perceptions of “cool” for us to follow suit. we need someone (most probs the prominent guys topping billboards and uploading the perfect effortless ootds) to define the word in this time and space we’re heading towards. kay funny story when i first started ig back in 2013 my username was musicismyfreakinrockinlife. at that moment, based on all the disney rockstar movies i was watching from 2010, i was 100% sure i was the coolest kid around like i got my word game going and all. then when friends started pointing out that there were an excessive amount of adjectives and jargons all in one username, i was suddenly teleported to the insecure teenage consciousness that perhaps i was emitting too much passion, im coming off too strong. that’s when figures and algorithms in my head started to alter, thus i was thrusted to 2013 media (of much i can’t quite distinctify among the other 2000-smth years) as my reference to cool, reluctantly forced to leave hannah montana + country taylor swift world into more updated content. there was also an occurence that made me believe knowing every pop singer’s latest songs was a must if you wanna be cool. then in fashion and beauty, i kind of subconsciously felt that if im not dressing like how everyone else would dress i must either be stunningly good at being different to be labeled hippie or indie, or i’ll be classified as aunty or ah ma. and when you start to probe around new opinions on these surficial aspects and you decide you’ve mustered up enough gallantry to run the risk on being perceived differently than before, you get reactions out of ppl. and no matter how many times you’ve told yourself this is part of the growing process, this is what you’ve signed up for, you know this was coming on you, blah blah…you know that if your pride would allow it, you’d admit your scared of falling short of the “pretty girl” you were before you decided to go for the fringe cut and that short hair that brought out the extra chub in your cheeks and long flower skirts and that baggy faded tee your mum got as a souvenir back in the 90s. you’re afraid ppl will begin slipping snide remarks about you trying too hard to be someone else when all you’re trying to do is figure out yourself or aunties telling you “girl, you are so guapa (tagalog for pretty) but what happened to you? you were so slim just a few years ago” you’re afraid you’ve got really nothing about you now that’s pretty or cool.
i find it a little ironic(e) how in the midst of all the tension simmering inside me, i can still talk about Jesus and what He says about me and everybody else on the matter. one morning this year, in school when i was leading out worship i shared with other students about what God thinks about the entirety of us (psalm 139:14) i rmbr saying “it’s okay to not feel pretty some days, but it’s NOT okay to NOT feel beautiful” and bc being beautiful is an identity, it’s got roots tracing all the way down to your very breath that He lent you, it’s got roots tracing all the way down to the heart He fashioned individually for you, to your inherent gifts, to the way you can say “You are good” even when adversity is pushing on you and your nasty neighbor is spitting saliva on your face as he reprimands you tirelessly, to the various forms in which you worship and love and tell a story. beautiful is a living word that has depths fathometers cannot gauge and so forget pretty. rip it off like that glossy magazine page about proportionate, no stretch mark, skinny bodies and know that wanting to look good on the outside is not bad per se, but getting your perspective straight is vital when treading the fragile floors of beauty controversy. you are so beautiful !! don’t you ever let that front cover or this or that aunty tell you otherwise. respond instead with the immense love that He gives.
this is so overdue and i’ve been having a lot of dialogues and monologues and prayers about this. i just want to introduce just a tiny fraction of the enormous vast glory of Jesus. i just want to say Jesus (and not as a cuss word 😂) i pray for everyone out there in all those social media platforms tonight, i pray that you continue to live out the beauty He has already placed inside you. good good good night i love you all ❤❤❤